He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
