tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
