i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
So here I am, sexting at work.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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