woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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