Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
And my parents said I crawled through the house
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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