I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
