I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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