haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
