her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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