Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
