drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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