OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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