sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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