She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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