My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
