I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
