We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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