she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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