They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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