she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
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Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
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Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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