I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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