just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She needs sedatives and a leash
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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