my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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