Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There r osticjed everywhere
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
