He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
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I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
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I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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