this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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