Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
try to milk me bitch
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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