Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
