She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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