I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
