I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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