Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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