Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Houston, we have a blender
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
