I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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