Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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