i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
