Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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