remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
