You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
