Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
