paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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