I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
