I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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