In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
