i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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