I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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