4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
