Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
