Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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