how can u be prego again
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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