Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Princesses don't give blow jobs
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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