My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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