how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
