Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
No I am not eating basil off your cock
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
