His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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